Silly Husband.

Me: He's a web developer.
JD: A what?
Me: A spider.

One more thing -

I'm getting sick.
I have tightness in my chest, a slight annoying cough and a stuffy nose.
Started today, afternoon-ish.
[delete line about smoking again]
This whole going to bed after 11pm thing and waking up at 6am isn't working.
However, I get some weird boost of energy in the late evening, made worse by taking Lunesta...
Wait, wait.
This wasn't supposed to be a blog entry.
I'm really just marking the date of my illness starting... to see if it manifests.
Hopefully not.

Achtung!

It has come to my attention that I am viewed as some sort of "evil woman".

Well, you are all right.
But I am in some excellent company.

Add It Up

"I have no patience for stupidity and could care less about authority."
[Yep.  I came up with that all by myself.]


That pretty much sums up a good chunk of my day.
I must not have been the only one with a case of the Mondays...
There were quite a few "I want to punch someone in the face" status updates on Facebook today.
I feel ya.

Also on Facebook, is the whole "15 Albums in 15 Minutes" list.
I LOVE LISTS.
But that one... it's rushed and not comprehensive enough.
Maybe I will make a few lists of 15, fifteen minutes at a time...

In other news, I have been slacking on The Course of Happiness "project" I was going to start.
Yeah.
That whole "life changing experiment" thing...
Ahem.
Gotta get on that again.
Look where my priorities lie...

Surprise!

Isn't it horrible when you get blind sided by someone you thought was a friend?
Isn't it even more horrible when you lend them money and they don't pay you back?

I hope this person knows that I (as well as many others) see through their facade.
You're just a nobody in this area, always have been and always will be.
You have no friends - that should've been a huge warning.
You can't even attract a significant other because of your attitude - another warning.
You try so hard to sound smart, but you are just a pretentious little boy.

I just want my $200 back so this can all be DONE.

Weirdness Of The Day

Auto Erotic Manipulation?!

Nerd to Hipster in One Day

Wow, long time, no update.
I need an app on my Blackberry so I can write on a whim.
My laptop is not always accessible when my thoughts are.
I guess I could write them down on paper, and type them up.
That seems like a lot of extra work.
My phone is always with me.
BB, make me an app so I can utilize!!


That's just my rant for the day.

The real reason for this post is to write about my fun Saturday:

Yesterday, Hubs and  I went to the Baltimore Comic Con.
Whoa, NERD ALERT.
I was seriously one of the coolest people there, besides Hub's and his (comic)friends of course.
Ahhh, ego boost.
Other than meeting some cool people (AND Todd McFarlane, creator of Spawn), it was really boring.
I'm not going to lie.
There was really nothing there that interested me and I didn't want to go in the first place.
But I couldn't let Hubs go alone.
So, like a good sport, I went along for the ride and held all his crap while he browsed, shmoozed and googled.
[I'd like to point out there were also several other good wives/girlfriends at Comic Con, doing the same amount of carrying stuff, staring into space and smiling like they were having fun.  Maybe we should start a club.]
All in all, I made it through and got some exercise to boot.
I AM excited for the NYC Comic Con.  That one will be more up my alley - it's not all about comic books.  TV and movie schtuff will be there to entertain me.  And, it's in NYC, woot!

After my foray into Geekdom, I went the hipster route with my girls.

We went to this awesome place called HMAC (Harrisburg Midtown Arts Center), enjoyed some $2 PBR pounders and listened to the sounds of Eli Charleston and his ragtime music.
They had a costume contest so there were tons of people dressed in 1920s apparel.
It was hipster-ish, yes, but there was still a great amount of diversity, especially age wise.
I met some new people, looked cute and got drunk.  Score.

Random Thoughts 8/9/10

I used to be a "Golden Child",  but then I spoke my mind.
I'm the one punished for speaking the truth - but karma is a bitch.


We need to stop acting like we're the "Police" of the World.
Let's concentrate on our own problems, in our own country.


Sometimes [like just now], I'll get a craving for chocolate - but have none in the house.
So I drink the Hershey's syrup - straight from the bottle.


Lamest voice on hottest man?  David Beckham.
How about you just sit there, in your Armani undies and hush hush - don't speak.


My husband is an extremely talented artist.
He WILL be famous one day.
You heard it here first.

Empirical Evidence

I purchased a book called The How to Happiness.
It's all based on empirical research and written by a psychologist who has spent the last 18 years figuring out the course of happiness, how it plays into our lives and how to attain it. 
The psychologist and her colleagues were given a million dollar grant from the Institute of Mental Health and everything in the book is backed by facts/proof.
I just started reading it last night and haven't gotten too far, but I think I may chronicle my progress with the book/program here in my blog.

Basically it all boils down to a pie chart.

You have your set "well being level" which takes up 50% - this fifty percent is who you are.  It takes into account your genetics and heredity and it's your "base" level that you return to throughout your life, through the ups and downs and in betweens.  You can't change this 50% - it's just who you are.

Another part of the pie, 10%, is based on your circumstances in life, i.e. you relationships, your job, your wealth, etc.  These are things that can be changed, but really, in the long run only play into your happiness so much.

The remaining 40% is what YOU CAN CHANGE.  Forty percent of your life is in your hands. 

The book, which is a self-help book (just backed up by evidence based facts which is extremely uncommon), will teach you the tools and exercises needed to harness what really makes you happy (for example, money will create happiness in the short term but not in the long term so that won't be part of harnessing your 40%).

All in all, I'm intrigued and I'm going to take on this journey and see where it leads me.

Will I be fulfilled afterwards?  Hopefully.
Will this be the cure-all, end-all to my depression?  No.
And the author clearly states that.
There is no false hope written in the pages of this book.
It's just YOU, your future in YOUR hands and all the information you need to be the happiest you.
She is not shy about the fact that this is hard work [not a quick fix], that it will take time, though eventually will become easier [much like everything in life].

Here's to the future.  Cheers!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but certain people's words DO hurt me.

Quote Of The Day

"I'm fearless to the point of stupidity. Maybe I should have a little more fear."
- Angelina Jolie tells You magazine

Vagina = [not] a clown car

What is the obsession with procreation in this country?

For example:
Look at the Duggars.

That "mother" is out of control.
She's the equivalent of a puppymill.
That woman just keeps churning them out.
Don't give me that bullshit that you love each and every one of your 19 kids.
Do you even know anything about them? 
[Like first off, their names - and not when you are being filmed for your reality show and need to rattle off each one, in order - and I'm sure you got the ability to reshoot that over and over until you got it right.]
What is J #8's favorite color?  What about J #14 - what's his or her favorite band/song?
The poor older children are built in babysitters.
I'm waiting for one of those girls to rebel.
"Fuck you, Mom [and Dad, who is named JIM BOB]!  I'm not a mother, I don't want to be a mother! I want to wear regular clothes!  I don't want to feel pressured to get married, pop out children and be a housewife!  I'm going to [insert city here] and I'm going to be a... [let's not go stripper; that's the go-to "wrong" profession for women with a bad childhood] ... owner of a hipster restaurant!  I'm going to get an education from an actual school and I'm going to become a gourmet chef that cook with alcohol!  And I'm going to be a lesbian and own dogs!!"

Seriously, it makes me so sad.

Let's practice zero population.

Zero Population

Then, there is the other issue with baby making... UNWANTED pregnancies.
Hey, government - you insist on having your hand in everyone's pots.
Let's get some IUDs in these bitches who complain they can't afford birth control.

Guess what is the cheapest birth control? 
ABSTINENCE.
It's free, if you absolutely have no other options.
Didn't say it was the ideal birth control; but it's been proven to work.

I'm 26, I'm "experienced" and never once did I end up with a baby!

If you can't be responsible to use some sort of birth control (condom, pill, etc) then you are PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Which leads me to the welfare debacle and lack of mandatory drug testing for those receiving the welfare.

But that's a whole 'nother blog post, for another night.

Hey, Mormon.

[Let me preface this with the fact that I know all Mormons aren't "those" Mormons.  However, from what I have seen firsthand/on TV - they really are.]

Quick, before my thoughts float away, only to return when I'm not near an outlet! 
Oh, the gems that I lose every single day.


Polygamy.
Why is it always the man who gets multiple wives?
Why can't the woman have multiple husbands?
Could you imagine how perfect it would be to have a few husbands?!

You - fix things!
You - entertain me!
You - sex!

Ok, granted, I am only thinking about the positive aspects of a husband/significant other.
There is lots of bullshit and drama that goes along with being in a relationship.
[It can get overwhelming.]
I'm just daydreaming about the possibilities.
Since one man/woman can't have everything you need (no, they really can't - I'm glad you are googleyed in love with so and so, but that person has faults and those faults will eventually get on every last nerve and you will want to change them/question yourself) - lets just make our own "other", by using a few people to fill our voids all at one time.


And since this won't ever happen, there is nothing wrong with a little fantasizing on my part [or yours].

I get it.

No, really, I do.
I can totally understand what it is like to be depressed.
As in, nothing matters - just let me sleep.
As in, I have no interest in you, them or myself.
As in, I'm dragging through the days and could be borderline suicidal.

I GET IT.

But nothing is going to change until you do.
Medication won't magically prescribe itself.
A therapist won't magically call you and schedule an appointment.

You need to accept the fact that it is beyond your control now - that there is an issue.
An issue that is affecting every single aspect of your life.
And you need to ask for help.

If you need me to call and make you an appointment or find you a counselor, I will.

I know exactly how you feel.
I've been there.

But I have pulled myself up and out and I cannot watch you drown.
I do not want to let you hit rock bottom, because I may be up and out, but I'm not strong enough to support the two of us, on my own.

I have my own issues to deal with.
I will push you along, I will listen, I will give you whatever you may need.

I just need you to take the first step in fixing your life.
It's the most difficult task you'll take on, but it's the most rewarding.

I'm just going to be ridiculous and post every time I feel like it.
I'm going to write out all the random shit that passes through my head.
I'm just going to throw it out there - all of it, unplanned and unchartered.


Have you seen what's out there?  There is NOTHING.
Have you seen how people act?  Like ASSHOLES.
Trying to make me jealous?
My greatest power is to ignore, ignore, ignore.
I just need to learn to harness this power.
It's not like my bionic hearing - that super power is natural.
[I envy your ignorance - I hear that it is bliss]
Hubs is extremely depressed.
He might divorce me.
I told him what I need to be happy.
He went to sleep.
If I was wealthier, I'd go to therapy a lot more.
I have no filter [for the most part].
I like being blunt and I'm not scared of confrontation.
If I could say what I really thought... well, just be glad I don't.
I'm sarcastic to the core.
The more you play into it, the worse it will be.
Contrary to popular belief, I CAN take it as well as dish it.
One day I'll be able to post about the Smack A Bitch Debacle.
But not now.
People are extemely ugly, on the inside and outside.
If I was wealthier, I'd be a lot different.
"Just give me the chance to prove money doesn't make me happy."
I'm not greedy - I'M TIRED OF STRUGGLING.
I'm not afraid to admit that.
If you think money doesn't help, that it hinders?
Well - you probably think that fucking double rainbow is intense.
If you don't know what that means...
You're missing out, man.
[patience] is what I'm lacking.
Every day people prove to me they are worthless or amazing.
Every day I am thankful for the real ones and their real love.
I'm going to start an image journal and attempt to chronicle what is tangible.
I wish my hands could write as fast as my brain thinks.
That's why my journals are half filled.
I'm lucky I've got mad WPM.

I'm aware this tangent is rather manic.

But deep down inside, I am just another melancholy girl seeking genuine attention and I am not afraid to admit that. 
I will own it and I will change it.


And I'm quite aware that others have it way worse than I do.

It's like when you're allergic to cats, and they must know, so they are all up in your grill.

That's how this situation is playing out.

Score!

Got my box of books from the Barnes and Noble Sale!
80% off, bitches.

Hubs got a few graphic novels.

Of course, he opened the box and was greeted by the following books I ordered:

- Porn for Women [which is a collection of photographs of [hot] men doing things like listening, cleaning, putting the toilet seat down, etc] while they say things we want to hear, like "Would you like a massage" and "I just want to make sure we have enough chocolate in the house".

- The List: 100 Ways to Shake Up Your Life

- A Course In Happiness

- The How of Happiness

and last but not least:

- Love the One You're With


Hmm. 
Sorry, babe. 
It wasn't meant to be a theme.
I just, ah, need a little guidance.

Quote Of The Day

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"


-Ernest Hemingway

Dog Days are Over

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had and what was left after that too

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head

Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

Don't hate - ruminate

Woken up at 8:30am by Lucy's bark alarm.
Getting 6hrs of sleep lately seems to be the norm.
Seems to also be causing me anxiety.

I have so many thoughts running through my head.
I can't write them down fast enough.

I often compare my crazy brain to the ground floor of the NY Stock Exchange.
This is my attempt at clearing the air in my noggin.

I am constantly striving for approval from certain people.
I don't know if it's so much approval/acceptance... I'm not sure what it is.
But it's driving me crazy and I feel sort of out of control.
I come across as a sarcastic asshole.
Trying to hard to be impressive.
Busting out all the moves.

WHY?

There is some sort of strange tension that I'm afraid to name.
I don't know if its felt by the other person.

It's not a matter of pursuing anything.
There are several cons to the person involved.
Maybe I am just seeking attention, and like a child, negative attention is still attention.

I feel obsessed, anticipatory, anxious and jealous.

I know some of these things are noticeable to other people.

Game plan: self control. 
Take it down a notch.
Treat said person(s) as I would anyone else.
Save my energy; put any extra energy into the relationships that need it.
And there are definitely some relationships that need it.

To say the least

I have no idea why I act and feel the way I do.
It just happens; I can't stop it.
It gives me thrills to wind you up.
[And then I feel bad afterwards]
You exhaust me.

See this?

Yep. 
That's me, doing a little dance of joy.
I'm a snarkasaurus.
And that's A-ok with me.

Sidetracked.

I like to think Capt Hubs and I are above average in the owning-a-home area.  This is our 2nd (old) house.  We've had our fair share of issues, like in the old house when the upstairs toilet kept running and overflowed causing a huge hole in the plaster ceiling. 

This weekend though, we ran into a new problem. 

Basically, we had to poke a hole in the dryer vent pipe to let out the months of water (and lint!) building up.  It was smelly and dirty. 
But now I can dry clothes in 30mins instead of 1.5hrs, seeing as a I have brand fucking new Electrolux set [that was NOT the problem, like someone else thought. *ahem Hubs*]
And now we have to replace the lines from the dryer to the vent and replace that and put it in a different position to prevent this from happening further on down the road.

Funniest part - it was my bionic hearing that pinpointed the exact issue/area.

Seriously, it's my superpower! 
Hubs's superpower is his eagle eyes.

It's funny that I have super hearing and crappy vision but I married someone who has crappy hearing and super vision.  We're like, ying and yang.


Conversation That Just Happened:

Me: "Can you please not drink the applesauce, from the jar?"
Hubs: "It's easier that way"

Yes, it is, but, really?

Happy 4th.

Happy Birthday, America.
In honor of you... legal-end-of-driveway fireworks.

2/19/2004 [memories]

Ive decided that my "rapper name" will be Queen Crusha.


Due to the fact that... oh nevermind.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[oddinary]

2004-02-20 01:04 am


Queen Crusha

the toilet bowl flusha

she shops at King of Prussia

rolls with Coolio and Usher


she got

a ghetto booty

she's succulent and fruity

like she's starring in a movie

and once you're past the credits

she'll hit it and forget it

you'll be screaming for the medic

and some herbal antisthetic

aw yeah

that's right

whut, whut

I want to be the girl with the most cake

I'm looking at old friends on LiveJournal.

Yes, people still use their LiveJournals.

I'm ready this kids' posts and I've come to the realization that free spirits irritate me.
Their lack of structure, spontaneity... their positive attitude.
Just kidding, THEY don't irritate me, I irrtate me; I'm just jealous.
Well, sorta. 
I used to be like that.
Do people really act that way if they aren't smoking pot?

[I put too much on the table; now I have too much at stake]

I was vulnerable last night and regret it.

So what do I do?
I ruminate.
Can't undo whats been said, so...
Let's just dwell on it and think about how I came across [crazy/emotional] and whatever, move on.

I hate how people act one way when they're with one person, and another with other people.

It was nice that I did something independent for myself and it started out as a nice evening.
But anytime you come to harsh realizations and the evening ends in tears...

I should be honest about everything on this thing.
No one reads it.
But, you know as soon as I write somethinng honest [maybe brutally], it will blow up in my face.

I had a good therapy session tonight.

Main goals for the next few weeks - doing things independently.

I'm going to start walking at Wildwood alone, just me and my mp3 player.
I have invited other people in the past, but everyone bails, so it's just me.
So, I'm going to at least once a week, by myself, and walk/jog the 5miles.

I'm also going to see about maybe trading in my camera for a smaller one, but still a DLSR.
I need something compact that will travel better with me.  My camera is fabulous but its bulky.
I know I need to push myself with my photography.  What I would really love to do is get a bunch of prints made, matte & frame them and see where I could sell them.  There are several prints in my portfolio that I think would sell.  People like to see the finished product (framed & matted) because then it's effortless for them.  They can buy it and hang it.  Buying prints and having to frame shit is a pain in the ass - I know when I buy prints/paintings, I want them framed and ready to go.

Maybe I'll just use this blog to chronicle my battle against anxiety.
I will have something that I could look back on.
I can log my failures so that I can learn from them.
This is a HUGE undertaking and it's not going to change overnight.

Tonight, Therapist said "If you didn't have any of the anxiety, what you would do?"
And I said, "First things first I would have went to college.  But besides something major like that, I would go out and explore.  Go to coffeeshops, go to stores, take a photography class at HACC."

All those things that are completely habitual for other people - and are so painstakingly difficut for me to handle. 

I am going to reinvent myself.
I am going to gain back my indepedence.
I am going to start doing things for ME.
And I am going to finally lead my life as the person that I've always wanted to be.

Oh, Ani!

[You make me want to be the person I was before.]

Art is why I get up in the morning
But my definition ends there
It doesn't seem fair
That I'm living for something
I can't even define
There you are right there
In the meantime
I don't want to play for you anymore
Show me what you can do
Tell me what are you here for

I want my old friends
I want my old face
I want my old mind

Fuck this time and place.

In the world of panic, you want to level down, not up.

It's funny how people appear, right when you need someone.

The most casual of hellos can make a world of difference.

Remember

"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you.  All you need is the thing you've forgotten and that's to learn to live with what you are."

- Ben Folds

Turn this around.

Awful.
Today was awful.

[I finished it on an awesome note, though... 5mile walk.]


I'm thinking that "liking" Lunesta on Facebook probably isn't a good idea.
It only has 10 fans.
But I'm quite sure there are many more users.

That's what everyone should start doing on Facebook.
Let's "like" all the meds we're on!
We can compare craziness... like scars.

I'm watching Deal or No Deal reruns.

GSN is like Ativan to me... it has anti-anxiety properties. 
[Ativan, "liked" by 320 people]
I'm easily distracted by the loudness; it's colorful and humorous.
I can zone out and live vicariously through the game show contestants.
I should put that on my bucket list... appear on a gameshow [and WIN].

I want to walk around downtown Steelton - I'm thinking excellent photo ops...
Even if its a picture of vacant storefronts with a Holga effect added.

[I have conversational ADD]

I'm getting sick of seeing all the Father's Day commercials.
What if you're an orphan, because your family imploded and you don't have a male role model?
What if you don't even have anyone "like a Dad" to buy a card for?
I made it through Mother's Day - one more parental holiday and then it's on to July birthdays and the days that no longer coordinate with a member of my family.

HEY.  I'm saving money on cards and gifts.

That's me.
Always looking on the bright side.



I envy your ignorance.
I hear that it is bliss.

Honesty is the best policy.

So, I'm trying to order Dominos pizza, online.  Their website isn't working.  I am taking this as a sign that I shouldn't eat Dominos, as it will only end badly. [fat and/or sick]
I know you are thinking, "Why don't you just call in and order?".
Well, because not only do I hate using the phone (a symptom of working in a call center where they scream "Get on the phones!!!!" like some sort of slave factory) but I just do not enjoy customer service.
I don't enjoy being the customer getting the service or the person providing a customer the service.
Especially when it involves ordering something... especially when it involves me as the only person who speaks English.

Hey, at least I'm honest.

Writing in bold doesn't make it real.

It's been over 2yrs since I've last posted.
I've drafted the embarrassing posts that should be in a diary, not in a blog.
[As in, all the super juicy stuff is away from prying eyes, unless you go way back and uncover my LiveJournal... it's still there and yeah, I probably talked shit on you.]
All that is left of this blog are some dog pictures and HILARITY.

Because you see, when I started this blog, I was working from home. I was taking phone calls for products that are sold on TV. You know them as infomercials. I know them as the bane of my existence for 4mos.

Still at the job I started in the last post.
Still married... oh wait, you didn't get to read those posts.
We've added to our furkids.
Our new addition is Tank, and he's a Boston Terrier [surprised?].
We did not build the house.
We high tailed it out of my parents house as soon as possible, moving as far away as possible.
[Within reason.]
Now I live in a construction zone of half started home projects and dog hair.
But we have space and lots of it.

And so, I leave you with this...

"Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you."
- Elsie de Wolfe