Monday Reminder

Dessert

We did order like 8 cookies, though.

Bothered.

Some people don't seem to understand the concept of record collecting.

Unless, of course, the 25cent bin at Sal Val is your jam.

Sigh.

I hate when that happens.

11/10/12 Status of the Day

Now Hiring!

MY LIFE

The following relationship positions have vacancies:

NOTICE: NO sociopaths or religious fanatics!

-Father (preferably a 'Doting Dad' type, as I've never had one of those.)

-Cool Mom (one who doesn't try to buy your love during your youth and isn't evil/self centered/CRAY.)

-Older Sister (must be friendly, non-competitive, and possess a good soul inside to match the facade.)

-Best Friend (female only; years worth of history together already would be fab [you know who you are], but I'm willing to invest in a new friendship if you are!)

BORED.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm bored.

Bored past Words with Friends and Facebooking and Farmville and the Idiot Box.

This NEVER happens.
I can always do something mundane, yet entertaining, and I'm good to go.

I guess I am totally going to make and rock friendship bracelets again.
[Which is MOST ironical, seeing as I don't have any friends!]
I need stuff to do with my hands, even if I'm sitting and watching TV.

I do not know how to handle this less stressful life I've got going on.
I'm used to crazy go-go-go work environments.
I'm super grateful for this lifestyle; I just need more ME stuff to do, I guess?

Hopefully, one day, this constant transformation of me and everything around me will be over.
All this change and new stuff!

Oh wait.
It won't.
Because this is life.

But I'm learning to like it.
Some of it, I even LOVE.

It's just scary, that's all.

So don't stop, crazy journey.
[One day you'll make a great book?]

I'll just get a helmet.
...and more tattoos and blog posts to chronicle this adventure.

I just don't want to forget any of this.
The good, the bad or the heartbreakingly ugly.

Haunting

Obsessed with Sia Furler.
This makes me sad.

Sia - Breathe Me

Theme Song of the Past

This pretty much describes how it felt when I was married and going through the divorce process:


P!nk - Blow Me (One Last Kiss)

Lyrics:

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight 
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight 
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears 
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you 
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold, 
But there's nothing to grab so I let go 

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much 
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) 
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of sh-t 
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss) 

Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a sh-t day (no!) 
You had a sh-t day (no!), we've had a sh-t day (no!) 
I think that life's too short for this 
I'll pack my ignorance and bliss 
I think I've had enough of this, Blow me on last kiss. 

I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did, 
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left 
I am sick, whiskey-dick, no more battles for me 
You'll be calling a trick, cause you'll no longer sleep 
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone 
I'll laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home 

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much 
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) 
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of sh-t 
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss) 

Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a sh-t day (no!) 
You had a sh-t day (no!), we've had a sh-t day (no!) 
I think that life's too short for this, I'll pack my ignorance and bliss 
I think I've had enough of this. Blow me on last kiss. 

I will do what I please, anything that I want 
I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all 
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear 
All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear 

I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much 
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss) 
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of sh-t 
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss) 

Just when I think it can't get worse, I had a sh-t day (no!) 
You had a sh-t day (no!), we've had a sh-t day (no!) 
I think that life's too short for this, I'll pack my ignorance and bliss 
I think I've had enough of this. Blow me on last kiss 

Blow me on last kiss 
Blow me on last kiss 

Hey! You! Yeah, you!

See? I'm such an asshole.
Fell off the blog wagon. AGAIN.

It says I have had page views...
If you read this blog, leave a comment, please!
Just for shiggles.
Pretty sure those 'views' are just spam...

I have been so busy with the shop and soap.
I just need to take a moment everyday and write.

Cos in the end I document it all for myself.
I write to remember.

Bad habits

I like when I go to buy cigarettes and the cashier actually knows the different brands so we don't have to play the awkward pointing game that usually ensues.

"Camel Blue, please."
"This one?"
"No, 2nd row from the bottom, 3rd one in."
"Here?"
"No, go to the left one more."


If I quit smoking, I wouldn't ever have to play the game again.
Buuuut, I just can't right now.

Quote of the Day

"I used to have a pierced tounge and belly but then I realized that the 90's were over and I took them out."
- Go-Go Amy

Hearts and stuff.

The Price is Right

Goddamn, I love The Price is Right. 
I love the contestants! 
Some are super bizarre and Drew Carey is all, "Uhhh, this is awkward" and laughs a LOT.
The other day there was an old guy and he lost his tooth! 
He fell going up on stage and knocked out a top front-ish tooth. Or denture? 
He kept trying to put it back in and it would fall out and Drew is like "Stop putting it back in!" and "Watch the teeth on the floor!" at the Wheel.  Ew.
It's my 11-12 ritual. 
I'm trying to figure out a schedule for myself. 
I was an 630am-11pm'er and now I'm a 8am-12pm'er and that little tweak in hours (even if it is mostly in my favor) has screwed me up. 
My day used to be up early and done early but now I have a whole day to work on stuff.
I don't think I'm good with free reign. 
I need structure and time frames and stuff.


ADD: You can totally tell who has TPIR on their Bucket List. 
I would love to go see it live, but I don't want to be on television - I wouldn't want to be a contestant. I'd be too in awe and probably would make a fool of myself.


Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of making my final decision that I was leaving my marriage. We'd been 'living separate' for some time, but 8/29/11 was the official like, let's talk about divvying up stuff and who gets what debt.
I can't believe it's been one year since that shitshow started. 
I have come farther - personally, mentally, physically - in this past year than I have ever in my life. 

Further ahead in happiness, deeper into debt. 
[I'll take the debt - and I'll get out of it.]
And I'd do it all over again.  Times 10!


And, I just got interrupted by an appointment maker who mumbles. 
Now I'm all out of that train of thought. Off to do stuff... 


PS The Showcase Showdown was a close one; only a $315 difference between their bids.

Whew!

I'm glad I don't have any fucked up fetishes. Like ones that revolve around poop.

Collection Intervention

OMG, they made a show about my first marriage.

Soap Opera

I am disturbed by my family.

It's like a soap opera... that's been progressing, twisting, turning into absolute weirdness for a couple years now.
Granted, I added some drama with my own divorce but I was legit about my separation.
No affair(s) here.
I can say that proudly, honestly.

But the thing is, I am put off by the fact that my father lives with my now ex-brother-in-law (which now makes him a built in babysitter, but since he was refused his grand kids for so long, doesn't mind it).
My mother took a vacation that included my cousin, sister, sister's current boyfriend, sister's ex-husband (also former friend of current boyfriend) and all the kids between them all (6 or so?).

Did you catch all that?

I was looking at some their beach pictures and it sure looks uncomfortable.
At least I have the unsubscribe option on Facebook so I don't have the dysfunction shoved down my throat anymore.
There's more stuff, but this is a touching on post and not a spill it out there post.

Let's call it what it is, folks.
Nothing friendly here.
Nothing friendly for years.
Only facades.

So I just got a Pap smear from James Lipton.

Quote of the Day

‎"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." - Harvey Mackay

My sidekick

Well, one of them. :)

Act Like It!

I'm still nice but...

My new rule of thumb is to just automatically assume everyone is a jerk until they prove me wrong. 
They rarely do.

I miss having a (female) best friend. I think this is the first time ever in my life I haven't had one. Boy best friends are nice, but unless they're gay, it's just not the same.

Hello August!

This is going to be a good month.  I can feeeeel it.

It's been almost a year since I've been physically separated from Ex-Hubs.  Emotionally and financially we had been separated for awhile.  But at the end of August, the process of moving out and on had officially started.

I look back on the last 8 years and it gets foggy in my brain.

I sometimes can't believe I was married for 5 years.  Ages: 22-27.

That relationship took up so many years of my life.

I was so very lost and confused - didn't know how to be assertive and just did things because I was "supposed" to do them.

Lessons Learned:

If he wasn't Prince Charming when you were dating, he won't be Prince Charming once you're married.

See also: You can't change people.  They are, who they are, [who they are], and that's them.

I got excited about getting married not because I understood the act itself, but because I was in love with the idea of a big wedding and then a big house with a yard and a fairy tale husband! 

BUT! I was never the little girl that dreamed about that stuff!  

I said I was never going to get married.  

Didn't believe in it.

Just a piece of paper.

The planning and paying of the wedding was horrendous.

I had no friends supporting me, let alone anyone for a wedding party.

My mom basically robbed my dad to pay for it.

Ex's dad was supposed to pay for his share, but ya know, he was in jail, so...

I was 22 years old and dumb! Just like all the other girls that age that got married and are now already divorced or in the process of.  

Looking back on the wedding itself, I was in love, but I didn't want to walk down the aisle that day for so many reasons.

However, I did.  I didn't feel I could say no because it was expensive and paid for.

My mom would have killed me!  How embarrassing it would be! 

Call OFF a wedding?! 

Taboo.

[I say that now, trying so hard to get divorced, to take my mom's advice - "Get out while you can.  Don't end up like me!", while having NO relationship with her at all because she's a psychopath.  

Hindsight 2020: Shoulda Called It Off!]

And the wedding itself was nice and the reception was fun and pretty (as it should have been for what we paid for it) but I got shitfaced and so did Ex and my wedding night was really me passing out at the Holiday Inn "Suite" above the club/bar while my alcoholic husband was getting even drunker downstairs with the rest of his drunkard family.

And I still stuck with this path, the beginning... this foundation that my life was being built on.

It got better and sometimes awesome and it got worse and sometimes violent.  My life has been really fucking hard for a really fucking long time and I just want to be divorced and move on.  I can honestly say I gave that relationship my all, but it started out wrong and should have never even gotten to the level it did.  Not many hard feelings, as I learned a lot.  He's much better off, too, and I honestly wish him well.

I have been told I am to 'grieve the loss of my old life' - the good, bad and ugly.

There is so much I have to go through and process.

I'll probably revisit this and add to it, but for now, that felt like a weight lifted off me. 

So long have I wanted to say it, type it, make it tangible.

Maybe I'll compile all this together for my memoir.

I don't want to open up the Pandora's box of my childhood and start there.

Can one start a memoir at 13yo/the high school years?

I guess I could be the first...

But like I said, August is going to be a good month.  I can feel it.

I thought the athletes would be naked. #OlympicsXXX

Break

I wish I had one of those little net books I could just whip out and update this with.  Or an iPad.
This laptop is a huge beast that must constantly be plugged into a power source to work.
Last night, driving home, my brain was just going and going and I thought of so many things I wanted to say/type/remember...

And I'm too distracted planning what I want tattooed... to be finished later.

I'm going to seriously start working on my memoir, she said.

Those gems... the few status updates that get posted occasionally and it's a really real, raw moment. Those are important.

You PMS like a bitch I would know.

Haters gonna hate.

Don't compare your life to other people's highlight reels. 

I'm a firm believer in putting it out there.  Honesty is amazing and powerful and it's necessary.
I'm honest on my Facebook.  Not like diary honest, but like, whatever I'm thinking/feeling, I'll post it.


ADD Interruption:
[I think that Dodge Journey Event commercial has 'Trees' by MGMT playing in the background... some sort of skewed weird version.]


Anyway, I'm off on leave and just because I'm not at work doesn't mean I'm going to not be on Facebook. [insert joke about being on FB more than work.]  I posted that I was 'shooting a wedding party' as my status last week.  Because I was.  There were groomsmen, from a wedding party, and I took pictures.
Fast forward to the next day, where I get a call from my job's HR Department!
Someone tattled my (honest) FB status to the freaking Human Resources Dept at my work.  
I think I know who it is, and they've since been removed, but REALLY?!
HR is all like, "So I just want to ask you a question before this goes any further..."
And I'm like, "WTF, mate?"
"Did you travel to take wedding photography yesterday?"
"Yeah, I did."   ...and I continued to explain that I was tagging along with my boyfriend for shiggles and taking photos for fun.


I'M NOT BEING PAID TO DO ANYTHING.  THIS ISN'T MY JOB WHILE I'M 'OFF'.  I COULD ONLY WISH TO BE A PAID PHOTOGRAPHER INSTEAD OF SITTING IN A CUBE FOR 9 HOURS A DAY LIKE A TYPING HAMSTER.
/end rant


If there was any question about me taking off and then working elsewhere while I'm off, maybe ask ME first?  I'm always told to 'Ask Questions'. Shoot me a message and pry for info like a normal person. Going straight to HR made you look like a real big asshole, Petty McTattletale.

D-Day?

This was a 'hidden' draft I have saved since 2008.  I'm going to publish it because it proves how long my marriage was broken.  This is how I was feeling and I will not apologize for it. [7/24/12]



The word Divorce has been brought up a lot today.

I am at a complete loss.

Should I ask for a divorce or should I wait and see if there's any more empty promises?

I sit here crying, thinking about how I've tried so fucking hard to make this marriage work and how it just isn't??

When do you give up?
How many tries do I give it?
What do I do when the love is gone?
Do I believe him when he says he won't drink?
Do I always want to play second fiddle to his Xbox?
When do I get to lead the life that I want to lead?

I am at a loss.
If it ends, oh the pain.
If I stay, oh the pain.

I need someone to tell me what to do.

I am sitting here, CRYING, and he is sleeping on the couch right next to me.
He's not up consoling me, or asking me whats wrong. He's just SNORING.
I'm in my marriage alone.

It's beyond repair.
I need to face it.

Why did it go so wrong?
Is it because I can't let go of my resentment towards him for the abuse I've taken while he's been drunk?
Why must we constantly bicker? We can't even have regular conversations.


I feel like a failure.

Finally, a moment.

My big news was that I'm off for 5 weeks, via FMLA.


It's time for some ME time, motherfuckers.


It's now the 2nd day into my 2nd week off.
Last week was filled with road trips and retail therapy.
There were lots of naps. 
And foodie stuff/baking. [I dig it.]


AND, no matter what I make or bake, whether it is horribly inedible or incredibly delicious, Chops will try it.
Recently there have been a few wins (smashed sweet potatoes, cinnamon swirl banana bread!) but the losses, they are BAD.  
And he tries it every time.  So do I.  But he doesn't have to!




Surprisingly, besides the never-ending divorce and personal financial failure/my life is settling down, I've discovered that work really is a big stressor.  I always KNEW it was, but I had scientific proof.
The other day I checked my work email (75 in one week - that's not so bad, right?) only to find out it's a mess in there.  I instantly got panicky.  Ignoring it means it'll be a huge clusterfuck when I get back.  Dealing with it now completely defeats the whole purpose of my time off.


So I'm worrying, after an attempt to fix the issues, but only slightly - it's on the back burner.
I have a LOT of burners. 




I roadtripped to Kingston, PA which is right near Wilkes-Barre with Chops.  A customer of his was getting married and wanted to get all his groomsmen (and Dads and friends) some hot lather, straight razor shaves/proper cuts.  I took photos (and have yet to edit them!) for Chops, the couple and myself, as well as played Towel Girl/Assistant.  We were outside for 5.5 hours sitting in a garden... it was pretty rad.


I am trying to savor every moment.
It's hard - the days go by fast.
I got most of everything off my To Do list.
I think I'm sort of... relaxing?
And doing things I want to do.
PS: I feel super guilty for being off.




And I'm processing everything that's happened in the last year.
Definitely starting an anonymous blog to get that out of me.


The only way I can 'get over' things is to write them out and make them tangible.  






Later...
- Haters Gonna Hate (or 'my boss is trying to get me fired while I'm not there')
- Photos of the shave party & my baking wins and fails

Happy belated Birthday to the woman who blames me for everything but created the mess herself.

Sometimes I'm so happy I could cry.

I didn't wish you a Happy Birthday but I did eat your cake. #jerk

We should be ashamed.

A: Oh, just kidding. The mail order bride is a DOCTOR. 

H: We are guilty of hot blonde profiling.

Blackface Band-aids!

Shades of ...eh?

Dear Ladies,
I am very sorry your sex lives have been so boring.
Congratulations on discovering your inner vixen.
May your bedrooms be full of bliss!

Love,
Ashley

Time heals?

No, not really.
I just think of those puppers and I well up with tears.
Still.  At the drop of a hat.
I need to see them soon.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Well, that's a good Dali to steal if yer gonna steal one.

It was Take Your Dog To Work Day and I couldn't participate.

Anyways...

Why don't I ever finish anything?  

Seriously.

Or rather, commit.

I get BORED.

Bored with people and hobbies.

But I hate change and love routine.

I was given an opportunity and I'm going to take it.

I feel guilty but will feel guiltier if I don't take it.

Stayed tuned as it will be official after Monday [I hope/think.]

Maybe my manic posts are where it's at.

I feel better and others are entertained.

I honestly didn't think anyone read my blog until I saw the stats today.

Quite a busy blog (for me) back in the day.

I write this stuff for ME though.

I love going back and reading it a few years later.

It's my journal, where I can't say what I really want because someone might see it.

I think I need to go start a blog where I do that.

Or maybe just be a open book on this thing.

Cos I'm real.

*cue J.Lo'z song*

I sort of want to stick with this blog.

Make it a mish-mash of my life.

Chronicling myself and my journey... because that is exactly what it feels like right now.

I know I always SAY I want to do that and then I fall off the wagon after a few weeks.

Like I do with everything.

Cos I'm human.

Disappointed and feeling really lonely, if I can be honest. #periodpangs?

What if?

‎Chops: What are we going to do if Facebook ever crashes?
Ashley: Ride through the towns on horseback, yelling our status updates.

It's true...

Miss those babies so much. 
Them, and my house.

"It's like watching my grandfather dance with another dude. In a dress."

He is my twin and it is sickeningly awesome. <3

Reasoning

C: I'm not anti-women, I'm anti-women barbers.  They can't fucking do it.
C: But I LERVE vagina!
A: Try again
C: Yer vagina!

Repost from 9/9/11 draft

He nailed it.

Best Status of the Day - 3/15/12

Mike James: I went to see the Lorax and the projector wasn't working. COME-ON

Changing of the Seasons

"What's the difference between summertime farts and wintertime farts?"

Emotionally tortured. I miss my other babies so much.

I thought the puppies would fix things, and they didn't. You don't have a baby when your relationship is failing.

ETA: I'm saying this because I feel guilty about leaving M&O.

Original

I wish I was the person my Pinterest thinks I am.

I may be drinking champagne. Right now.

I should have just went back to work after my car inspection. #PTOfail

I just want to cry my heart out and scream.

I'm tired of struggling. I am completely exhausted.

It makes sense that Lucy would be nicknamed Garbage Dog. My GPK name is Trashley Can.

The Kinect makes you do the penguin shuffle. Truffle shuffle.

Conserve air; share bong hits.

Best Status of the Day - 2/17/12

"God sometimes I wish I would have used a sperm donor instead of my kids dad."

At least now I can say I have an appreciation for anime.

A: "I want to buy a mattress if it's Mattress Holiday Weekend!"

I need to have a daughter so I can pass on my list of 'Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger'. Nothing against boys, it's just geared more towards females.

Rhetorical genitalia