[I put too much on the table; now I have too much at stake]

I was vulnerable last night and regret it.

So what do I do?
I ruminate.
Can't undo whats been said, so...
Let's just dwell on it and think about how I came across [crazy/emotional] and whatever, move on.

I hate how people act one way when they're with one person, and another with other people.

It was nice that I did something independent for myself and it started out as a nice evening.
But anytime you come to harsh realizations and the evening ends in tears...

I should be honest about everything on this thing.
No one reads it.
But, you know as soon as I write somethinng honest [maybe brutally], it will blow up in my face.

I had a good therapy session tonight.

Main goals for the next few weeks - doing things independently.

I'm going to start walking at Wildwood alone, just me and my mp3 player.
I have invited other people in the past, but everyone bails, so it's just me.
So, I'm going to at least once a week, by myself, and walk/jog the 5miles.

I'm also going to see about maybe trading in my camera for a smaller one, but still a DLSR.
I need something compact that will travel better with me.  My camera is fabulous but its bulky.
I know I need to push myself with my photography.  What I would really love to do is get a bunch of prints made, matte & frame them and see where I could sell them.  There are several prints in my portfolio that I think would sell.  People like to see the finished product (framed & matted) because then it's effortless for them.  They can buy it and hang it.  Buying prints and having to frame shit is a pain in the ass - I know when I buy prints/paintings, I want them framed and ready to go.

Maybe I'll just use this blog to chronicle my battle against anxiety.
I will have something that I could look back on.
I can log my failures so that I can learn from them.
This is a HUGE undertaking and it's not going to change overnight.

Tonight, Therapist said "If you didn't have any of the anxiety, what you would do?"
And I said, "First things first I would have went to college.  But besides something major like that, I would go out and explore.  Go to coffeeshops, go to stores, take a photography class at HACC."

All those things that are completely habitual for other people - and are so painstakingly difficut for me to handle. 

I am going to reinvent myself.
I am going to gain back my indepedence.
I am going to start doing things for ME.
And I am going to finally lead my life as the person that I've always wanted to be.