I thought the athletes would be naked. #OlympicsXXX

Break

I wish I had one of those little net books I could just whip out and update this with.  Or an iPad.
This laptop is a huge beast that must constantly be plugged into a power source to work.
Last night, driving home, my brain was just going and going and I thought of so many things I wanted to say/type/remember...

And I'm too distracted planning what I want tattooed... to be finished later.

I'm going to seriously start working on my memoir, she said.

Those gems... the few status updates that get posted occasionally and it's a really real, raw moment. Those are important.

You PMS like a bitch I would know.

Haters gonna hate.

Don't compare your life to other people's highlight reels. 

I'm a firm believer in putting it out there.  Honesty is amazing and powerful and it's necessary.
I'm honest on my Facebook.  Not like diary honest, but like, whatever I'm thinking/feeling, I'll post it.


ADD Interruption:
[I think that Dodge Journey Event commercial has 'Trees' by MGMT playing in the background... some sort of skewed weird version.]


Anyway, I'm off on leave and just because I'm not at work doesn't mean I'm going to not be on Facebook. [insert joke about being on FB more than work.]  I posted that I was 'shooting a wedding party' as my status last week.  Because I was.  There were groomsmen, from a wedding party, and I took pictures.
Fast forward to the next day, where I get a call from my job's HR Department!
Someone tattled my (honest) FB status to the freaking Human Resources Dept at my work.  
I think I know who it is, and they've since been removed, but REALLY?!
HR is all like, "So I just want to ask you a question before this goes any further..."
And I'm like, "WTF, mate?"
"Did you travel to take wedding photography yesterday?"
"Yeah, I did."   ...and I continued to explain that I was tagging along with my boyfriend for shiggles and taking photos for fun.


I'M NOT BEING PAID TO DO ANYTHING.  THIS ISN'T MY JOB WHILE I'M 'OFF'.  I COULD ONLY WISH TO BE A PAID PHOTOGRAPHER INSTEAD OF SITTING IN A CUBE FOR 9 HOURS A DAY LIKE A TYPING HAMSTER.
/end rant


If there was any question about me taking off and then working elsewhere while I'm off, maybe ask ME first?  I'm always told to 'Ask Questions'. Shoot me a message and pry for info like a normal person. Going straight to HR made you look like a real big asshole, Petty McTattletale.

D-Day?

This was a 'hidden' draft I have saved since 2008.  I'm going to publish it because it proves how long my marriage was broken.  This is how I was feeling and I will not apologize for it. [7/24/12]



The word Divorce has been brought up a lot today.

I am at a complete loss.

Should I ask for a divorce or should I wait and see if there's any more empty promises?

I sit here crying, thinking about how I've tried so fucking hard to make this marriage work and how it just isn't??

When do you give up?
How many tries do I give it?
What do I do when the love is gone?
Do I believe him when he says he won't drink?
Do I always want to play second fiddle to his Xbox?
When do I get to lead the life that I want to lead?

I am at a loss.
If it ends, oh the pain.
If I stay, oh the pain.

I need someone to tell me what to do.

I am sitting here, CRYING, and he is sleeping on the couch right next to me.
He's not up consoling me, or asking me whats wrong. He's just SNORING.
I'm in my marriage alone.

It's beyond repair.
I need to face it.

Why did it go so wrong?
Is it because I can't let go of my resentment towards him for the abuse I've taken while he's been drunk?
Why must we constantly bicker? We can't even have regular conversations.


I feel like a failure.

Finally, a moment.

My big news was that I'm off for 5 weeks, via FMLA.


It's time for some ME time, motherfuckers.


It's now the 2nd day into my 2nd week off.
Last week was filled with road trips and retail therapy.
There were lots of naps. 
And foodie stuff/baking. [I dig it.]


AND, no matter what I make or bake, whether it is horribly inedible or incredibly delicious, Chops will try it.
Recently there have been a few wins (smashed sweet potatoes, cinnamon swirl banana bread!) but the losses, they are BAD.  
And he tries it every time.  So do I.  But he doesn't have to!




Surprisingly, besides the never-ending divorce and personal financial failure/my life is settling down, I've discovered that work really is a big stressor.  I always KNEW it was, but I had scientific proof.
The other day I checked my work email (75 in one week - that's not so bad, right?) only to find out it's a mess in there.  I instantly got panicky.  Ignoring it means it'll be a huge clusterfuck when I get back.  Dealing with it now completely defeats the whole purpose of my time off.


So I'm worrying, after an attempt to fix the issues, but only slightly - it's on the back burner.
I have a LOT of burners. 




I roadtripped to Kingston, PA which is right near Wilkes-Barre with Chops.  A customer of his was getting married and wanted to get all his groomsmen (and Dads and friends) some hot lather, straight razor shaves/proper cuts.  I took photos (and have yet to edit them!) for Chops, the couple and myself, as well as played Towel Girl/Assistant.  We were outside for 5.5 hours sitting in a garden... it was pretty rad.


I am trying to savor every moment.
It's hard - the days go by fast.
I got most of everything off my To Do list.
I think I'm sort of... relaxing?
And doing things I want to do.
PS: I feel super guilty for being off.




And I'm processing everything that's happened in the last year.
Definitely starting an anonymous blog to get that out of me.


The only way I can 'get over' things is to write them out and make them tangible.  






Later...
- Haters Gonna Hate (or 'my boss is trying to get me fired while I'm not there')
- Photos of the shave party & my baking wins and fails

Happy belated Birthday to the woman who blames me for everything but created the mess herself.

Sometimes I'm so happy I could cry.