I get it.

No, really, I do.
I can totally understand what it is like to be depressed.
As in, nothing matters - just let me sleep.
As in, I have no interest in you, them or myself.
As in, I'm dragging through the days and could be borderline suicidal.

I GET IT.

But nothing is going to change until you do.
Medication won't magically prescribe itself.
A therapist won't magically call you and schedule an appointment.

You need to accept the fact that it is beyond your control now - that there is an issue.
An issue that is affecting every single aspect of your life.
And you need to ask for help.

If you need me to call and make you an appointment or find you a counselor, I will.

I know exactly how you feel.
I've been there.

But I have pulled myself up and out and I cannot watch you drown.
I do not want to let you hit rock bottom, because I may be up and out, but I'm not strong enough to support the two of us, on my own.

I have my own issues to deal with.
I will push you along, I will listen, I will give you whatever you may need.

I just need you to take the first step in fixing your life.
It's the most difficult task you'll take on, but it's the most rewarding.

I'm just going to be ridiculous and post every time I feel like it.
I'm going to write out all the random shit that passes through my head.
I'm just going to throw it out there - all of it, unplanned and unchartered.


Have you seen what's out there?  There is NOTHING.
Have you seen how people act?  Like ASSHOLES.
Trying to make me jealous?
My greatest power is to ignore, ignore, ignore.
I just need to learn to harness this power.
It's not like my bionic hearing - that super power is natural.
[I envy your ignorance - I hear that it is bliss]
Hubs is extremely depressed.
He might divorce me.
I told him what I need to be happy.
He went to sleep.
If I was wealthier, I'd go to therapy a lot more.
I have no filter [for the most part].
I like being blunt and I'm not scared of confrontation.
If I could say what I really thought... well, just be glad I don't.
I'm sarcastic to the core.
The more you play into it, the worse it will be.
Contrary to popular belief, I CAN take it as well as dish it.
One day I'll be able to post about the Smack A Bitch Debacle.
But not now.
People are extemely ugly, on the inside and outside.
If I was wealthier, I'd be a lot different.
"Just give me the chance to prove money doesn't make me happy."
I'm not greedy - I'M TIRED OF STRUGGLING.
I'm not afraid to admit that.
If you think money doesn't help, that it hinders?
Well - you probably think that fucking double rainbow is intense.
If you don't know what that means...
You're missing out, man.
[patience] is what I'm lacking.
Every day people prove to me they are worthless or amazing.
Every day I am thankful for the real ones and their real love.
I'm going to start an image journal and attempt to chronicle what is tangible.
I wish my hands could write as fast as my brain thinks.
That's why my journals are half filled.
I'm lucky I've got mad WPM.

I'm aware this tangent is rather manic.

But deep down inside, I am just another melancholy girl seeking genuine attention and I am not afraid to admit that. 
I will own it and I will change it.


And I'm quite aware that others have it way worse than I do.

It's like when you're allergic to cats, and they must know, so they are all up in your grill.

That's how this situation is playing out.

Score!

Got my box of books from the Barnes and Noble Sale!
80% off, bitches.

Hubs got a few graphic novels.

Of course, he opened the box and was greeted by the following books I ordered:

- Porn for Women [which is a collection of photographs of [hot] men doing things like listening, cleaning, putting the toilet seat down, etc] while they say things we want to hear, like "Would you like a massage" and "I just want to make sure we have enough chocolate in the house".

- The List: 100 Ways to Shake Up Your Life

- A Course In Happiness

- The How of Happiness

and last but not least:

- Love the One You're With


Hmm. 
Sorry, babe. 
It wasn't meant to be a theme.
I just, ah, need a little guidance.

Quote Of The Day

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"


-Ernest Hemingway

Dog Days are Over

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had and what was left after that too

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head

Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

Don't hate - ruminate

Woken up at 8:30am by Lucy's bark alarm.
Getting 6hrs of sleep lately seems to be the norm.
Seems to also be causing me anxiety.

I have so many thoughts running through my head.
I can't write them down fast enough.

I often compare my crazy brain to the ground floor of the NY Stock Exchange.
This is my attempt at clearing the air in my noggin.

I am constantly striving for approval from certain people.
I don't know if it's so much approval/acceptance... I'm not sure what it is.
But it's driving me crazy and I feel sort of out of control.
I come across as a sarcastic asshole.
Trying to hard to be impressive.
Busting out all the moves.

WHY?

There is some sort of strange tension that I'm afraid to name.
I don't know if its felt by the other person.

It's not a matter of pursuing anything.
There are several cons to the person involved.
Maybe I am just seeking attention, and like a child, negative attention is still attention.

I feel obsessed, anticipatory, anxious and jealous.

I know some of these things are noticeable to other people.

Game plan: self control. 
Take it down a notch.
Treat said person(s) as I would anyone else.
Save my energy; put any extra energy into the relationships that need it.
And there are definitely some relationships that need it.

To say the least

I have no idea why I act and feel the way I do.
It just happens; I can't stop it.
It gives me thrills to wind you up.
[And then I feel bad afterwards]
You exhaust me.

See this?

Yep. 
That's me, doing a little dance of joy.
I'm a snarkasaurus.
And that's A-ok with me.

Sidetracked.

I like to think Capt Hubs and I are above average in the owning-a-home area.  This is our 2nd (old) house.  We've had our fair share of issues, like in the old house when the upstairs toilet kept running and overflowed causing a huge hole in the plaster ceiling. 

This weekend though, we ran into a new problem. 

Basically, we had to poke a hole in the dryer vent pipe to let out the months of water (and lint!) building up.  It was smelly and dirty. 
But now I can dry clothes in 30mins instead of 1.5hrs, seeing as a I have brand fucking new Electrolux set [that was NOT the problem, like someone else thought. *ahem Hubs*]
And now we have to replace the lines from the dryer to the vent and replace that and put it in a different position to prevent this from happening further on down the road.

Funniest part - it was my bionic hearing that pinpointed the exact issue/area.

Seriously, it's my superpower! 
Hubs's superpower is his eagle eyes.

It's funny that I have super hearing and crappy vision but I married someone who has crappy hearing and super vision.  We're like, ying and yang.


Conversation That Just Happened:

Me: "Can you please not drink the applesauce, from the jar?"
Hubs: "It's easier that way"

Yes, it is, but, really?

Happy 4th.

Happy Birthday, America.
In honor of you... legal-end-of-driveway fireworks.