2/19/2004 [memories]

Ive decided that my "rapper name" will be Queen Crusha.


Due to the fact that... oh nevermind.
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[oddinary]

2004-02-20 01:04 am


Queen Crusha

the toilet bowl flusha

she shops at King of Prussia

rolls with Coolio and Usher


she got

a ghetto booty

she's succulent and fruity

like she's starring in a movie

and once you're past the credits

she'll hit it and forget it

you'll be screaming for the medic

and some herbal antisthetic

aw yeah

that's right

whut, whut

I want to be the girl with the most cake

I'm looking at old friends on LiveJournal.

Yes, people still use their LiveJournals.

I'm ready this kids' posts and I've come to the realization that free spirits irritate me.
Their lack of structure, spontaneity... their positive attitude.
Just kidding, THEY don't irritate me, I irrtate me; I'm just jealous.
Well, sorta. 
I used to be like that.
Do people really act that way if they aren't smoking pot?

[I put too much on the table; now I have too much at stake]

I was vulnerable last night and regret it.

So what do I do?
I ruminate.
Can't undo whats been said, so...
Let's just dwell on it and think about how I came across [crazy/emotional] and whatever, move on.

I hate how people act one way when they're with one person, and another with other people.

It was nice that I did something independent for myself and it started out as a nice evening.
But anytime you come to harsh realizations and the evening ends in tears...

I should be honest about everything on this thing.
No one reads it.
But, you know as soon as I write somethinng honest [maybe brutally], it will blow up in my face.

I had a good therapy session tonight.

Main goals for the next few weeks - doing things independently.

I'm going to start walking at Wildwood alone, just me and my mp3 player.
I have invited other people in the past, but everyone bails, so it's just me.
So, I'm going to at least once a week, by myself, and walk/jog the 5miles.

I'm also going to see about maybe trading in my camera for a smaller one, but still a DLSR.
I need something compact that will travel better with me.  My camera is fabulous but its bulky.
I know I need to push myself with my photography.  What I would really love to do is get a bunch of prints made, matte & frame them and see where I could sell them.  There are several prints in my portfolio that I think would sell.  People like to see the finished product (framed & matted) because then it's effortless for them.  They can buy it and hang it.  Buying prints and having to frame shit is a pain in the ass - I know when I buy prints/paintings, I want them framed and ready to go.

Maybe I'll just use this blog to chronicle my battle against anxiety.
I will have something that I could look back on.
I can log my failures so that I can learn from them.
This is a HUGE undertaking and it's not going to change overnight.

Tonight, Therapist said "If you didn't have any of the anxiety, what you would do?"
And I said, "First things first I would have went to college.  But besides something major like that, I would go out and explore.  Go to coffeeshops, go to stores, take a photography class at HACC."

All those things that are completely habitual for other people - and are so painstakingly difficut for me to handle. 

I am going to reinvent myself.
I am going to gain back my indepedence.
I am going to start doing things for ME.
And I am going to finally lead my life as the person that I've always wanted to be.

Oh, Ani!

[You make me want to be the person I was before.]

Art is why I get up in the morning
But my definition ends there
It doesn't seem fair
That I'm living for something
I can't even define
There you are right there
In the meantime
I don't want to play for you anymore
Show me what you can do
Tell me what are you here for

I want my old friends
I want my old face
I want my old mind

Fuck this time and place.

In the world of panic, you want to level down, not up.

It's funny how people appear, right when you need someone.

The most casual of hellos can make a world of difference.

Remember

"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you.  All you need is the thing you've forgotten and that's to learn to live with what you are."

- Ben Folds

Turn this around.

Awful.
Today was awful.

[I finished it on an awesome note, though... 5mile walk.]


I'm thinking that "liking" Lunesta on Facebook probably isn't a good idea.
It only has 10 fans.
But I'm quite sure there are many more users.

That's what everyone should start doing on Facebook.
Let's "like" all the meds we're on!
We can compare craziness... like scars.

I'm watching Deal or No Deal reruns.

GSN is like Ativan to me... it has anti-anxiety properties. 
[Ativan, "liked" by 320 people]
I'm easily distracted by the loudness; it's colorful and humorous.
I can zone out and live vicariously through the game show contestants.
I should put that on my bucket list... appear on a gameshow [and WIN].

I want to walk around downtown Steelton - I'm thinking excellent photo ops...
Even if its a picture of vacant storefronts with a Holga effect added.

[I have conversational ADD]

I'm getting sick of seeing all the Father's Day commercials.
What if you're an orphan, because your family imploded and you don't have a male role model?
What if you don't even have anyone "like a Dad" to buy a card for?
I made it through Mother's Day - one more parental holiday and then it's on to July birthdays and the days that no longer coordinate with a member of my family.

HEY.  I'm saving money on cards and gifts.

That's me.
Always looking on the bright side.



I envy your ignorance.
I hear that it is bliss.

Honesty is the best policy.

So, I'm trying to order Dominos pizza, online.  Their website isn't working.  I am taking this as a sign that I shouldn't eat Dominos, as it will only end badly. [fat and/or sick]
I know you are thinking, "Why don't you just call in and order?".
Well, because not only do I hate using the phone (a symptom of working in a call center where they scream "Get on the phones!!!!" like some sort of slave factory) but I just do not enjoy customer service.
I don't enjoy being the customer getting the service or the person providing a customer the service.
Especially when it involves ordering something... especially when it involves me as the only person who speaks English.

Hey, at least I'm honest.

Writing in bold doesn't make it real.

It's been over 2yrs since I've last posted.
I've drafted the embarrassing posts that should be in a diary, not in a blog.
[As in, all the super juicy stuff is away from prying eyes, unless you go way back and uncover my LiveJournal... it's still there and yeah, I probably talked shit on you.]
All that is left of this blog are some dog pictures and HILARITY.

Because you see, when I started this blog, I was working from home. I was taking phone calls for products that are sold on TV. You know them as infomercials. I know them as the bane of my existence for 4mos.

Still at the job I started in the last post.
Still married... oh wait, you didn't get to read those posts.
We've added to our furkids.
Our new addition is Tank, and he's a Boston Terrier [surprised?].
We did not build the house.
We high tailed it out of my parents house as soon as possible, moving as far away as possible.
[Within reason.]
Now I live in a construction zone of half started home projects and dog hair.
But we have space and lots of it.

And so, I leave you with this...

"Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you."
- Elsie de Wolfe